There was a time where my wife and I could watch whatever we wanted on TV, whenever we wanted. If we felt like flipping on CBS Sunday Morning and watching a bowtied Charles Osgood do his best Garrison Keillor imitation, we would. Oh, Bill Geist is going to take us on a tour of some tiny town outside of Pittsburgh that has the world’s largest free-standing indoor cylindrical freshwater aquarium? Fantastic, I’m in.
Now we’ve got kids. And since we’re new-agey, halfway decent parents it means two things:
1) We don’t turn on the TV that much.
2) When we do, we watch kids shows. And since our kids are aged 4 and 2, we’re not watching mildly amusing tweenie shows like Hannah Montana or even Spongebob, shows that I might be able to watch without trying to shove the Tivo remote into my brain or hang myself with Barbie hair. No, we watch programming that is actually intended for our children’s ages. Revolutionary concept, I know - most of my son’s friends come into preschool raving about older, considerably more mature shows like Fairly Oddparents or, gasp, Power Rangers. (In the interest of full disclosure, I will admit that my son has watched portions of the original Star Wars trilogy and the Princess Bride. These are classics and they know no age limitations. But before you get your knickers in a twist, I’m not showing him Solo frying Greedo or Inigo Montoya calling Count Rugen a son of a bitch, so save your calls to protective services.)
Having become something of an authority on children’s shows over the past four years, I can safely say that all preschool programming can be divided into three distinct categories:
1) Shows that suck.
2) Shows that suck a little less.
3) Shows that suck but are so bizarre as to be somewhat amusing, much like Cirque de Soleil or Britney Spears.
As a public service to all you parents and, to a lesser extent, those of you who want to have a psychedelic experience without the use of hallucinogenic narcotics, I’ll categorize a few of the more popular shows.
(Note: Even if you don’t have kids, you’ve probably been exposed to the insane popularity of Dora, Diego, Blue’s Clues, Barney, the Wiggles, and Pooh. So for the sake of brevity we’ll stick to all the crap you’re lucky enough not to have seen. Also, I know a lot of studies have come out lately saying that a child under the age of two should not be watching TV at all. The psychiatrists and pediatricians who recommend this either don’t have children of their own, or have never had to make them dinner or take a shit. And let's face it, there are also times when you need to put your kid in front of a TV because you’ve hit a wall and the alternative is to release them to the wolves and let them fend for themselves. Let’s be realistic here, scientists.)
Shows That Suck
1) The Doodlebops
Long story short, a long time ago Disney bought the rights to rebroadcast old Wiggles shows, leading a generation of three year-olds to call each other “beauty” and congratulate each other by saying “good on ya, mate!” Problem was, all the money from Wiggles merchandising and concerts went into the Wiggles’ pocket. Something you might not know about Disney - they REALLY enjoy making money. So they bought the rights to a Canadian horrorshow called the Doodlebops, a group of three heavily costumed talent-free lunatics who make bad, bad music and are slightly less funny than scoliosis. If the Wiggles are the Beatles of children’s music (they’re not, but that’s another blog entry), the Doodlebops are Milli Vanilli - they don’t play their own music, have no discernable talent, and are fucking each other.
2) Hi-5, aka “Look, Diversity!”
The Wiggles spawned a fair share of knockoffs in their home country, the most popular of which was a show called Hi-5. To be fair, Hi-5 was not a complete ripoff; for instance, the Wiggles had four members; Hi-5 has (you guessed it) five. The Wiggles wear different color shirts to differentiate themselves; Hi-5 wears different color skins. The Discovery Channel decided to knockoff the knockoff, creating an American version of Hi-5, possibly the most condescending, sugar-coated piece of crap in the history of television. Originally, it starred White Guy, White Girl, Black Girl, Hawaiian-but-Asian-Enough-that-we-get-diversity-credit Girl, and Native American Guy. Unfortunately, realizing that they still had time to salvage a career, Native American Guy and Black Girl left the show and were replaced by Other Black Girl and Ethnic Guy of Indeterminate Origin.
3) Thomas and Friends, aka “Buy Me That Small, Easily Breakable $10 Wooden Toy”
Yet another import, this is actually the least annoying of several shows that have been imported from England. It is, however, almost inhumanely boring. Your children will stare wide-eyed as Thomas, a small blue tank engine, fixes a bridge, or helps a friend get a new whistle, or hypnotizes you into mortgaging your home to buy 5,129 easily breakable, lead-paint encrusted toys. The show exists mainly to introduce more characters in order to sell more toys. My son has friends who couldn’t tell you the names of their own siblings, yet if you ask them the name of the light purple engine they’ll yell “ROSIE!!” Having George Carlin as the narrator is just a tease - you’re just WAITING for him to launch into an aristocrats joke that never comes.
4) Oobi
Here’s the pitch - we want to make a children’s show, but we don’t have the budget for puppets, actors, sets, or scripts. So we’ll stick googly eyes to our hands, talk in incomplete sentences using horribly grating voices, and that’s our whole show. That’s it. Talking hands, googly eyes. Which isn’t to say your kids won’t like it; quite the contrary. You’ll soon wonder how long your child can talk to his own hand before you call the pediatric psychiatrist. “Oobi puke! You puke!”
5) Maisy
The Sports Guy summed up Maisy better than I ever could:
“Maisy is a female mouse who hangs out with a group of animal friends, including Eddie the Elephant, Talula the Duck, Cyril the Squirrel and Charlie the Special Needs Alligator. You know cartoons have gone too far when somebody decides that a special needs alligator is a good idea. Of course, he's the funniest character on the show and the one my daughter loves most. The point is, when you have little kids, completely inane topics like ‘Is it a good thing that my daughter is delighted by a special needs alligator?’ start clogging your brain when you should be thinking about more important things like, ‘Why don't I feel more strongly about Wade Phillips' dooming the 2007 Cowboys?’”
One other story - one day my daughter and I were watching the show and we both forgot the duck’s name. Coming up empty, I told her the duck’s name was Chimichanga. Now every time we see the duck I say “Hey, it’s Chimichanga!” My daughter says “No, Talula!” And I look at her confused and say “Fallujah?” and she says, “No, Talula!” Again, I look confused and say “Prince Abdullah?” Now she’s REALLY pissed off and yells “NO, TALULA!” Say what you will about the quality of the show, this never fails to get a laugh out of me.
Shows That Suck a Little Less
1) Jack’s Big Music Show
Created by a Sesame Street alum, Jack’s Big Music Show is not only quite funny, it frequently features musical guests that are infinitely more deserving of their own show than the Doodlebops or Hi-5. It’s also one of two kids shows on which Jon Stewart has made a guest appearance (the other being Between the Lions.) A bit of trivia - the show on which Jon Stewart appeared also featured a musical performance by Steve Burns, the original star of Blue’s Clues who left that show to start a music career, which brought him right back to a children’s show. (He’s now mostly famous for continual internet rumors about his death.)
2) The Wonder Pets
The Wonder Pets are a guinea pig, a turtle, and a duck, who venture out of their cages to help animals in trouble. They have saved fish, flamingos, dragons, gophers, manatees (but who hasn’t?), themselves, and, inexplicably, a tree. The curse of the show (like the more popular Backyardigans) is that the original songs are catchy as hell, and if your child sees more than one episode you can guarantee that a call to your house will result in your child singing at the top of their voice “The PHONE! The phone is RING-ing!” Hell, even I sing it once and a while.
3) The Upside-Down Show
Created by the Umbilical Brothers (who also provide the music and voices for Maisy) and developed by the Sesame Workshop, the Upside Down Show was a bizarre experiment in interactive camera trickery, wherein kids were encouraged to use an invisible remote control to influence the content of the show, pausing the characters, turning them upside down, speeding them up, etc. My son would sit wide-eyed, invisible remote in hand, marveling at how the characters were doing EXACTLY WHAT HE TOLD THEM TO DO (right after they told him to tell them to do it). This show has the distinction of being the only show on this list to make me laugh out loud frequently, the loudest being a scene in which the two main characters were desperately searching for their refrigerator. After being told by the omniscient voice that lives in their house they did not in fact own a refrigerator, one character frantically asked the other, “What are we gonna do with all that CHEESE?” Of course, like all shows that I even remotely enjoy, the Upside Down show wasn’t picked up for a second season.
4) Little Einsteins
From the company that brought you Baby Einsteins, aka Totally Hypnotic Baby Crack, comes this show about four idiot savant kids and their ultra-high-tech-but-somewhat-stupid rocket ship. Each show utilizes one major piece of art and one major work of classical music to tell the story, the theory being that it will help your children learn about one major work of art and one major work of classical music while at the same time making sure they bug you for Little Einsteins toys. I hate to admit it, but it works - both the learning and begging. My son became fascinated with a work of art featured on the show, Hokusai’s “Great Wave Off Kanagawa.” We even went to see the original at an exhibit here in DC, not that my son knew the difference between the 170 year-old original and the gift shop print on his wall. Also, we were once walking through a bookstore and my son, who was barely three at the time, saw a book of Asian art and yelled at a decibel level equal to a taxiing 747 “THAT’S THE WAVE OF KANAGAWA!” I got that smug look on my face that said, yup, that’s my kid, and he’s a genius. Two minutes later he had his hands in his pants and was playing with himself. I guess Asian art gets him excited.
While Little Einsteins may do wonders for your child’s appreciation of fine arts, it will do nothing for their common sense. Yes, the Little Einsteins may have a multi-billion dollar, light-speed flying, time-traveling rocket. However, at least once an episode a problem will arise that could easily be solved by utilizing rocket’s capabilities, and instead the Little Einsteins opt for a completely inconvenient and infinitely more time-consuming method of attack. For example, they once needed to get into Buckingham Palace (there are no laws against trespassing in children’s shows). There was a guard at the gate, and they could only approach him if his back was turned, so the audience was asked to tell Rocket to move when we saw that the guard wasn’t paying attention. After fifteen seconds my son asked me “Why don’t they just fly over the fence?” I had been thinking why don’t they just shoot the guard? but I don’t have the innocence of a four year-old.
5) Jakers! The Adventures of Piggly Winks
A show about a fat Irish pig spending the whole day telling crazy stories, and yet it’s not about my dad. Each episode of Jakers begins with a kindly old grandfather pig regaling his grandchildren with stories of his exploits as a kid in Ireland. He drinks a lot, has dozens of children, and bombs Protestant churches. Oh wait, that’s MY grandfather. Jakers is something of a throwback to a simpler day of children’s programming - there aren’t any asides for the adults, and all the stories have an innocence about them without being condescending. Also, somewhat randomly, Mel Brooks shows up now and again as a sheep. This raises a larger question my wife always brings up – who gets editorial control over which creatures will be anthropomorphized and which animals will be just animals? For example, on Jakers, the pigs, cows, ducks, and goats all wander around wearing clothes, shopping, and living regular lives, but for some reason the sheep are just sheep. Yes they talk, but only to each other, and they don’t wear clothes or live in houses. Is there an unwritten cartoonist rule about which animals make better protagonists and which make better comic relief? Some shows smartly avoid this by moving from animals altogether and making absolutely anything a character (see Oswald, below).
Shows that Cause Flashbacks
The concept of providing overwhelming audio stimuli and completely surreal visuals is not new – think Land of the Lost or H.R. Pufnstuf. However, those were intended for older kids already in grade school. I think the most exciting thing I saw on TV as a preschooler was that pinball machine thing on Sesame Street. There has been a trend lately of shows that have no plot and little dialogue, but an overabundance of pretty colors, shiny things, and funky music.
1) Yo Gabba Gabba
I almost hesitate to try and describe this show; it really has to be seen to be believed. In short, the show is hosted by an UNBELIEVABLY happy black guy with a huge puffy orange hat named DJ Lance Rock. He and his five toy monsters, Brobee, Foofa, Muno, Plex, and Toodee, do stuff for a half-hour. These are things I have said out loud while watching Yo Gabba Gabba:
· Is that Elijah Wood dancing?
·
Is that Biz Markie showing me how to rap?
· Is that Mark Mothersbaugh from Devo showing me how to draw a cartoon dog?
· Is that the Shins?
· Is that food doing a dance in that monster’s stomach?
· Is that Tony Hawk dancing? If so, how is it that a guy with the athletic ability, balance, and dexterity needed to be a professional skateboarder has absolutely no rhythm at all?
· Is Super Martian Robot Girl the best thing on television?
If Sesame Street was accused of giving kids short attention spans, Yo Gabba Gabba may very well be accused of making their heads explode like Michael Ironside in Scanners.
2) Oswald
Based on the children’s book by Dan Yaccarino, Oswald brings a lot of the surreal elements of the book to the show. Oswald is a giant octopus voiced by Fred Savage who lives in a town called Big City. Apparently there are no zoning laws in Big City - just about anything can serve as a house – giant fishbowls, baseballs, ice cream cones, etc. Also, the show doesn’t limit the anthropomorphizing to animals – Oswald’s friends include a tree, a daisy, two eggs, and a cactus. Unlike Yo Gabba Gabba the show moves at a snail’s pace, but as Oswald moves about town you find yourself asking, um, was that a snowman driving an ice cream truck? Is that singing starfish being voiced by Tony Orlando? Why do talking rabbits seem to own all the stores and control all the currency? (My wife suggested that the rabbits are the jews of Big City.) Children’s shows are supposed to educate and inspire your children, not make parents question their own sanity.
Now we’ve got kids. And since we’re new-agey, halfway decent parents it means two things:
1) We don’t turn on the TV that much.
2) When we do, we watch kids shows. And since our kids are aged 4 and 2, we’re not watching mildly amusing tweenie shows like Hannah Montana or even Spongebob, shows that I might be able to watch without trying to shove the Tivo remote into my brain or hang myself with Barbie hair. No, we watch programming that is actually intended for our children’s ages. Revolutionary concept, I know - most of my son’s friends come into preschool raving about older, considerably more mature shows like Fairly Oddparents or, gasp, Power Rangers. (In the interest of full disclosure, I will admit that my son has watched portions of the original Star Wars trilogy and the Princess Bride. These are classics and they know no age limitations. But before you get your knickers in a twist, I’m not showing him Solo frying Greedo or Inigo Montoya calling Count Rugen a son of a bitch, so save your calls to protective services.)
Having become something of an authority on children’s shows over the past four years, I can safely say that all preschool programming can be divided into three distinct categories:
1) Shows that suck.
2) Shows that suck a little less.
3) Shows that suck but are so bizarre as to be somewhat amusing, much like Cirque de Soleil or Britney Spears.
As a public service to all you parents and, to a lesser extent, those of you who want to have a psychedelic experience without the use of hallucinogenic narcotics, I’ll categorize a few of the more popular shows.
(Note: Even if you don’t have kids, you’ve probably been exposed to the insane popularity of Dora, Diego, Blue’s Clues, Barney, the Wiggles, and Pooh. So for the sake of brevity we’ll stick to all the crap you’re lucky enough not to have seen. Also, I know a lot of studies have come out lately saying that a child under the age of two should not be watching TV at all. The psychiatrists and pediatricians who recommend this either don’t have children of their own, or have never had to make them dinner or take a shit. And let's face it, there are also times when you need to put your kid in front of a TV because you’ve hit a wall and the alternative is to release them to the wolves and let them fend for themselves. Let’s be realistic here, scientists.)
Shows That Suck
1) The Doodlebops
Long story short, a long time ago Disney bought the rights to rebroadcast old Wiggles shows, leading a generation of three year-olds to call each other “beauty” and congratulate each other by saying “good on ya, mate!” Problem was, all the money from Wiggles merchandising and concerts went into the Wiggles’ pocket. Something you might not know about Disney - they REALLY enjoy making money. So they bought the rights to a Canadian horrorshow called the Doodlebops, a group of three heavily costumed talent-free lunatics who make bad, bad music and are slightly less funny than scoliosis. If the Wiggles are the Beatles of children’s music (they’re not, but that’s another blog entry), the Doodlebops are Milli Vanilli - they don’t play their own music, have no discernable talent, and are fucking each other.
2) Hi-5, aka “Look, Diversity!”
The Wiggles spawned a fair share of knockoffs in their home country, the most popular of which was a show called Hi-5. To be fair, Hi-5 was not a complete ripoff; for instance, the Wiggles had four members; Hi-5 has (you guessed it) five. The Wiggles wear different color shirts to differentiate themselves; Hi-5 wears different color skins. The Discovery Channel decided to knockoff the knockoff, creating an American version of Hi-5, possibly the most condescending, sugar-coated piece of crap in the history of television. Originally, it starred White Guy, White Girl, Black Girl, Hawaiian-but-Asian-Enough-that-we-get-diversity-credit Girl, and Native American Guy. Unfortunately, realizing that they still had time to salvage a career, Native American Guy and Black Girl left the show and were replaced by Other Black Girl and Ethnic Guy of Indeterminate Origin.
3) Thomas and Friends, aka “Buy Me That Small, Easily Breakable $10 Wooden Toy”
Yet another import, this is actually the least annoying of several shows that have been imported from England. It is, however, almost inhumanely boring. Your children will stare wide-eyed as Thomas, a small blue tank engine, fixes a bridge, or helps a friend get a new whistle, or hypnotizes you into mortgaging your home to buy 5,129 easily breakable, lead-paint encrusted toys. The show exists mainly to introduce more characters in order to sell more toys. My son has friends who couldn’t tell you the names of their own siblings, yet if you ask them the name of the light purple engine they’ll yell “ROSIE!!” Having George Carlin as the narrator is just a tease - you’re just WAITING for him to launch into an aristocrats joke that never comes.
4) Oobi
Here’s the pitch - we want to make a children’s show, but we don’t have the budget for puppets, actors, sets, or scripts. So we’ll stick googly eyes to our hands, talk in incomplete sentences using horribly grating voices, and that’s our whole show. That’s it. Talking hands, googly eyes. Which isn’t to say your kids won’t like it; quite the contrary. You’ll soon wonder how long your child can talk to his own hand before you call the pediatric psychiatrist. “Oobi puke! You puke!”
5) Maisy
The Sports Guy summed up Maisy better than I ever could:
“Maisy is a female mouse who hangs out with a group of animal friends, including Eddie the Elephant, Talula the Duck, Cyril the Squirrel and Charlie the Special Needs Alligator. You know cartoons have gone too far when somebody decides that a special needs alligator is a good idea. Of course, he's the funniest character on the show and the one my daughter loves most. The point is, when you have little kids, completely inane topics like ‘Is it a good thing that my daughter is delighted by a special needs alligator?’ start clogging your brain when you should be thinking about more important things like, ‘Why don't I feel more strongly about Wade Phillips' dooming the 2007 Cowboys?’”
One other story - one day my daughter and I were watching the show and we both forgot the duck’s name. Coming up empty, I told her the duck’s name was Chimichanga. Now every time we see the duck I say “Hey, it’s Chimichanga!” My daughter says “No, Talula!” And I look at her confused and say “Fallujah?” and she says, “No, Talula!” Again, I look confused and say “Prince Abdullah?” Now she’s REALLY pissed off and yells “NO, TALULA!” Say what you will about the quality of the show, this never fails to get a laugh out of me.
Shows That Suck a Little Less
1) Jack’s Big Music Show
Created by a Sesame Street alum, Jack’s Big Music Show is not only quite funny, it frequently features musical guests that are infinitely more deserving of their own show than the Doodlebops or Hi-5. It’s also one of two kids shows on which Jon Stewart has made a guest appearance (the other being Between the Lions.) A bit of trivia - the show on which Jon Stewart appeared also featured a musical performance by Steve Burns, the original star of Blue’s Clues who left that show to start a music career, which brought him right back to a children’s show. (He’s now mostly famous for continual internet rumors about his death.)
2) The Wonder Pets
The Wonder Pets are a guinea pig, a turtle, and a duck, who venture out of their cages to help animals in trouble. They have saved fish, flamingos, dragons, gophers, manatees (but who hasn’t?), themselves, and, inexplicably, a tree. The curse of the show (like the more popular Backyardigans) is that the original songs are catchy as hell, and if your child sees more than one episode you can guarantee that a call to your house will result in your child singing at the top of their voice “The PHONE! The phone is RING-ing!” Hell, even I sing it once and a while.
3) The Upside-Down Show
Created by the Umbilical Brothers (who also provide the music and voices for Maisy) and developed by the Sesame Workshop, the Upside Down Show was a bizarre experiment in interactive camera trickery, wherein kids were encouraged to use an invisible remote control to influence the content of the show, pausing the characters, turning them upside down, speeding them up, etc. My son would sit wide-eyed, invisible remote in hand, marveling at how the characters were doing EXACTLY WHAT HE TOLD THEM TO DO (right after they told him to tell them to do it). This show has the distinction of being the only show on this list to make me laugh out loud frequently, the loudest being a scene in which the two main characters were desperately searching for their refrigerator. After being told by the omniscient voice that lives in their house they did not in fact own a refrigerator, one character frantically asked the other, “What are we gonna do with all that CHEESE?” Of course, like all shows that I even remotely enjoy, the Upside Down show wasn’t picked up for a second season.
4) Little Einsteins
From the company that brought you Baby Einsteins, aka Totally Hypnotic Baby Crack, comes this show about four idiot savant kids and their ultra-high-tech-but-somewhat-stupid rocket ship. Each show utilizes one major piece of art and one major work of classical music to tell the story, the theory being that it will help your children learn about one major work of art and one major work of classical music while at the same time making sure they bug you for Little Einsteins toys. I hate to admit it, but it works - both the learning and begging. My son became fascinated with a work of art featured on the show, Hokusai’s “Great Wave Off Kanagawa.” We even went to see the original at an exhibit here in DC, not that my son knew the difference between the 170 year-old original and the gift shop print on his wall. Also, we were once walking through a bookstore and my son, who was barely three at the time, saw a book of Asian art and yelled at a decibel level equal to a taxiing 747 “THAT’S THE WAVE OF KANAGAWA!” I got that smug look on my face that said, yup, that’s my kid, and he’s a genius. Two minutes later he had his hands in his pants and was playing with himself. I guess Asian art gets him excited.
While Little Einsteins may do wonders for your child’s appreciation of fine arts, it will do nothing for their common sense. Yes, the Little Einsteins may have a multi-billion dollar, light-speed flying, time-traveling rocket. However, at least once an episode a problem will arise that could easily be solved by utilizing rocket’s capabilities, and instead the Little Einsteins opt for a completely inconvenient and infinitely more time-consuming method of attack. For example, they once needed to get into Buckingham Palace (there are no laws against trespassing in children’s shows). There was a guard at the gate, and they could only approach him if his back was turned, so the audience was asked to tell Rocket to move when we saw that the guard wasn’t paying attention. After fifteen seconds my son asked me “Why don’t they just fly over the fence?” I had been thinking why don’t they just shoot the guard? but I don’t have the innocence of a four year-old.
5) Jakers! The Adventures of Piggly Winks
A show about a fat Irish pig spending the whole day telling crazy stories, and yet it’s not about my dad. Each episode of Jakers begins with a kindly old grandfather pig regaling his grandchildren with stories of his exploits as a kid in Ireland. He drinks a lot, has dozens of children, and bombs Protestant churches. Oh wait, that’s MY grandfather. Jakers is something of a throwback to a simpler day of children’s programming - there aren’t any asides for the adults, and all the stories have an innocence about them without being condescending. Also, somewhat randomly, Mel Brooks shows up now and again as a sheep. This raises a larger question my wife always brings up – who gets editorial control over which creatures will be anthropomorphized and which animals will be just animals? For example, on Jakers, the pigs, cows, ducks, and goats all wander around wearing clothes, shopping, and living regular lives, but for some reason the sheep are just sheep. Yes they talk, but only to each other, and they don’t wear clothes or live in houses. Is there an unwritten cartoonist rule about which animals make better protagonists and which make better comic relief? Some shows smartly avoid this by moving from animals altogether and making absolutely anything a character (see Oswald, below).
Shows that Cause Flashbacks
The concept of providing overwhelming audio stimuli and completely surreal visuals is not new – think Land of the Lost or H.R. Pufnstuf. However, those were intended for older kids already in grade school. I think the most exciting thing I saw on TV as a preschooler was that pinball machine thing on Sesame Street. There has been a trend lately of shows that have no plot and little dialogue, but an overabundance of pretty colors, shiny things, and funky music.
1) Yo Gabba Gabba
I almost hesitate to try and describe this show; it really has to be seen to be believed. In short, the show is hosted by an UNBELIEVABLY happy black guy with a huge puffy orange hat named DJ Lance Rock. He and his five toy monsters, Brobee, Foofa, Muno, Plex, and Toodee, do stuff for a half-hour. These are things I have said out loud while watching Yo Gabba Gabba:
· Is that Elijah Wood dancing?
·
Is that Biz Markie showing me how to rap?· Is that Mark Mothersbaugh from Devo showing me how to draw a cartoon dog?
· Is that the Shins?
· Is that food doing a dance in that monster’s stomach?
· Is that Tony Hawk dancing? If so, how is it that a guy with the athletic ability, balance, and dexterity needed to be a professional skateboarder has absolutely no rhythm at all?
· Is Super Martian Robot Girl the best thing on television?
If Sesame Street was accused of giving kids short attention spans, Yo Gabba Gabba may very well be accused of making their heads explode like Michael Ironside in Scanners.
2) Oswald
Based on the children’s book by Dan Yaccarino, Oswald brings a lot of the surreal elements of the book to the show. Oswald is a giant octopus voiced by Fred Savage who lives in a town called Big City. Apparently there are no zoning laws in Big City - just about anything can serve as a house – giant fishbowls, baseballs, ice cream cones, etc. Also, the show doesn’t limit the anthropomorphizing to animals – Oswald’s friends include a tree, a daisy, two eggs, and a cactus. Unlike Yo Gabba Gabba the show moves at a snail’s pace, but as Oswald moves about town you find yourself asking, um, was that a snowman driving an ice cream truck? Is that singing starfish being voiced by Tony Orlando? Why do talking rabbits seem to own all the stores and control all the currency? (My wife suggested that the rabbits are the jews of Big City.) Children’s shows are supposed to educate and inspire your children, not make parents question their own sanity.
In addition to the lack of zoning laws, apparently public nudity is also not an issue in Big City. Oswald himself, for example, wears a hat but no clothes. His best friend Henry (a penguin) wears nothing. On the other hand, the talking cactus dresses like a cowgirl, and the two eggs (Eggbert and Leo) dress like English fops. This follows a long cartoon tradition, of course; Mickey Mouse didn't wear a shirt and Donald Duck didn't wear pants. Again, I think there needs to be consensus among cartoonists which animals talk and which should be required to wear clothes.
3) Boobah
Given the children’s shows that have come out of the U.K., it’s a miracle that the English are as reserved as the stereotypes would indicate. I can’t imagine that a steady diet of shows like the Teletubbies and Boobah leads to anything but a lifetime of ritual killings. Here is every show:
1) The five Boobahs wake up and dance around, making little clicking and whistling sounds and also, apparently, farting. Just like me when I get up, actually.
2) The Boobahs give something to the “storypeople,” a family of seven that clearly enjoys adoption as they are all radically different ethnicities. The storypeople play with whatever the Boobahs have given them, be it blocks, a forklift, or a dildo, for about ten minutes.
3) The Boobahs dance and fart a little more.
4) Random children are featured in a segment called “Look What I Can Do.” Often the children can’t do too much, but we’re forced to watch them try things like spin in a circle, or twirl a baton for ten minutes.
5) The Boobahs get back in their little Boobah Spoon-Looking Traveling Device Thing and fly away.
To their credit, it’s more imaginative than Oobi.
The good news is Ratatouille came out on DVD today, so I'll be spared the horror of these shows for about a week. Also, they're releasing episodes from the first seasons of Sesame Street, so my kids can see what a REAL kids show looks like:
3) Boobah
Given the children’s shows that have come out of the U.K., it’s a miracle that the English are as reserved as the stereotypes would indicate. I can’t imagine that a steady diet of shows like the Teletubbies and Boobah leads to anything but a lifetime of ritual killings. Here is every show:
1) The five Boobahs wake up and dance around, making little clicking and whistling sounds and also, apparently, farting. Just like me when I get up, actually.
2) The Boobahs give something to the “storypeople,” a family of seven that clearly enjoys adoption as they are all radically different ethnicities. The storypeople play with whatever the Boobahs have given them, be it blocks, a forklift, or a dildo, for about ten minutes.
3) The Boobahs dance and fart a little more.
4) Random children are featured in a segment called “Look What I Can Do.” Often the children can’t do too much, but we’re forced to watch them try things like spin in a circle, or twirl a baton for ten minutes.
5) The Boobahs get back in their little Boobah Spoon-Looking Traveling Device Thing and fly away.
To their credit, it’s more imaginative than Oobi.
The good news is Ratatouille came out on DVD today, so I'll be spared the horror of these shows for about a week. Also, they're releasing episodes from the first seasons of Sesame Street, so my kids can see what a REAL kids show looks like:
2 comments:
Damn you and your genius. Damn you and your capitalizing off the children. Damn you in general.
I'm beginning to think that we should be putting limits on your tv time too.
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