TONIGHT...JUSTICE makes a PHONE CALL

Recently, Verizon, AT&T, and several other phone companies were sued for turning records and information about their customers over to the Justice Department. Forgetting for a minute the gross illegality of giving up the records of perfectly innocent people who probably did nothing worse than calling grandma on her birthday, I’m amazed at the reported ease with which Justice was able to acquire the information. Based on my dealings with Verizon, I’ve got to believe the process went like this:

VERIZON: Thank you for calling Verizon.

JUSTICE DEPARTMENT: Hi, my name is…

V: If you are calling about a service request, press one. If you are calling about adding new services, press two…

J.D.: (presses zero)

V: Please hold and I will connect you to the first available operator. Your approximate wait at this time is…TWENTY SEVEN…minutes.

J.D.: Damn.

(34 minutes later)

V: Thank you for calling Verizon, this is Patrice, how can I help you?

J.D.: Hi, my name is (NAME REDACTED) and I’m with the United States Justice Department. We’re trying to catch some terrorists and we were wondering if maybe you wouldn’t mind turning over your customers’ private phone activity records?

V: (pause.) I’m sorry sir, you’re interested in DSL?

J.D.: Uh, no, I’m with the U.S. government. We’d like access to your customers’ records on the off chance that, you know, someone called Osama Bin Laden.

V: Uh-huh.

(pause)

J.D.: So, uh, yeah. Do you know who I might talk to about that?

V: Hold on please.

(Muzak version of “Right Here Waiting” by Richard Marx begins playing.)

(Ten minutes later.)

V: Okay I’m going to transfer you to records. I think someone there can help you.

J.D.: Thanks, I…

V: Thank you for calling Verizon you have a nice (click).

(Dial tone)

J.D.: Shit.

(Calls back, presses zero, wait eighteen minutes)

V: Thank you for calling Verizon, this is Letitia, how can I help you?

J.D.: Yes, my name is (NAME REDACTED) and I’m with the Justice Department. I was wondering…

V: Sir are you calling for a repair?

J.D. No, I…(explains situation again)

V: I think I know who you should talk to. Hold please.

J.D.: Okay, but that last time…

(Click. Silence.)

J.D.: Umm...

V: Thanks for calling Verizon Communications, this is Omar, how can I help you?

(J.D. explains his request.)

V: Okay, I think we can probably help you out with that. We’ll get someone out to you with those records tomorrow, sometime between noon and six p.m.

J.D. Well that’s kind of a long window of time, isn’t it?

V: I’m sorry sir, that’s the best we can do. Were you also interested in Verizon’s digital cable package?

J.D.: No, just the records would be fine.

V: Nine-hundred channels of HD quality programming? And the first three months are only $9.99 per month. Plus free Showtime.

J.D.: Free Showtime? Really? I mean uh, no, just the records will be fine.

V: Okay sir, noon and seven tomorrow.

J.D.: I thought you said si…

(click)

(Next day at 5:30)

V: Thank you for calling Verizon, this is Abdul, how can I help you?

J.D.: Uh, yeah, I was told that someone would be delivering me some records today…

V: What was the name sir?

J.D.: (NAME REDACTED).

V: Let me look that up for you, hold please.

(Muzak version of “Just the Way You Are” by Billy Joel begins playing.)

(Nine minutes later.)

V: Okay it looks like our guy was there at about 2:30, but nobody answered the door.

J.D. Uh, no, that’s impossible, I was here the whole time.

V: I’m sorry sir, would you like to reschedule?

J.D. Yeah, uh, I guess, but I don’t see…

V: The next time I have available is the 24th between nine a.m. and seven p.m.

J.D. Uh, the 24th isn’t for two weeks, and that window of time…

V: I’m sorry sir that’s all we have right now.

J.D. Okay, uh, I guess I’ll take it.

(Two weeks later)

V: Thank you for calling Verizon, this is Uruguay, how can I help you?

J.D.: Yeah, uh, I was supposed to have some things delivered to our offices, some records and such. But, uh, it seems like the guy just gave us digital cable. That’s not really…

V: That’s not what you asked for sir?

J.D. No, see, I’m with the Justice Department, and I…

V: Hold please.

(Muzak version of “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion begins playing.)

(Nine minutes later.)

V: Okay, I’ve gone ahead and disconnected the digital cable. I’ll just need you to return the cable box to your closest Verizon dealer. The disconnection fee will be $14.96. Is there anything else I can do for you today?

J.D. Uh, well yeah, the digital cable wasn’t our biggest issue, in fact some of us here at Justice were really getting into that show Weeds, but I really need those records.

V: Records, sir?

J.D. Yeah, I’ve been trying for a couple of weeks to get…

V: Hold please.

(Muzak version of “Margaritaville” by Jimmy Buffett begins playing.)

(Seven minutes later.)

V: I think I see the problem here sir, so you needed all of our customers personal and private records, is that right?

J.D.: Yes sir. Uh, ma’am, I mean.

V: I’m a sir.

J.D.: My apologies.

V: Happens all the time. Anyway, to get those records you’re going to have to call our east coast regional customer specialty service questions line.

J.D.: Isn’t that what I called?

V: No sir, you called the east coast regional customer specialty service technical issues number.

J.D.: My bad.

V: No problem sir, let me just connect you to that number. Hold please.

(Sound of phone ringing.)

V (electronic voice): Thank you for calling Verizon’s east coast regional customer specialty service questions line. All of our operators are currently assisting other customers. Did you know that most of your questions can be answered online by visiting Verizon.com? That way you won’t have to be on hold for 47 minutes, which is what’s about to happen. If you’d like to waste your life this way, press one, and I’ll put you in the queue.

J.D. (presses one)

V (electronic voice): Your funeral, loser.

(47 minutes later)

V: Thank you for calling Verizon, this is Patrice, how may I help you?

J.D.: Yes, I’ve been trying for quite some me to get…

V: You don’t have to take that tone with me sir.

J.D.: I’m sorry?

V: I’ll do my best to help you sir but I don’t think there’s a need for that attitude.

J.D.: What attitude? What? What did I say?

V: What can I help you with sir?

J.D.: Um, well, uh, if it’s not too much trouble, I’ve made several requests to get some records delivered. See, I’m with the Justice Department, and…

V: Sir, I believe you’re going to want to call our east coast regional customer specialty service technical issues number.

J.D.: But they just transferred me to you.

V: Yeah. They shouldn’t have done that. I can either give you the number or I can transfer you back.

J.D.: Um, well I guess…

V: Would you like me to transfer you back sir?

J.D.: You know what? I think I’m good. I think we’ll just tap people’s phones instead.

V: Very good sir.