State of the Union, Decoded

Wherein we fill in a few unspoken thoughts on W's last SOTU. George, we hardly knew ye.

Seven years have passed since I first stood before you at this rostrum. In that time, our country has been tested in ways none of us could have imagined. We faced hard decisions about peace and war...

We opted for war.

...and the health and welfare of our citizens.

I voted against it.

These issues call for vigorous debate, and I think it's fair to say we've answered the call.

In fact, debate is damn near all we did.

We believe that the most reliable guide for our country is the collective wisdom of ordinary citizens.

And by ordinary, I mean multimillionaires, even billionaires. My peeps.

As we meet tonight, our economy is undergoing a period of uncertainty.

Which is like saying that the Titanic is temporarily delayed on its trip to New York.

At kitchen tables across our country, there is a concern about our economic future.

Not my kitchen table, mind you. Things are pretty sweet in the ole White House right now.

Last week, my administration reached agreement with Speaker Pelosi and Republican Leader Boehner on a robust growth package that includes tax relief for individuals and families and incentives for business investment. The temptation will be to load up the bill. That would delay it or derail it, and neither option is acceptable.

Which is fine for me to say, knowing full well that that's how Congress works and the only way the Democrats are going to vote for something that was essentially my idea in an election year is to let them stick every single pet project they've ever wanted in the bill, with price being no object. I just want all you outside-the-beltway people to think I give a crap about fiscal responsibility. If I did, we'd be pissing a lot less away on this war. But I digress.

Unless Congress acts, most of the tax relief we've delivered over the past seven years will be taken away. Some in Washington argue that letting tax relief expire is not a tax increase. Try explaining that to 116 million American taxpayers who would see their taxes rise by an average of $1,800.

Again, we're talking about my buddies, the millionaires. $1,800 is a solid hour with a high-class hooker, and I'm not about to deprive my peeps of that action.

There's only one way to eliminate this uncertainty: Make the tax relief permanent. And members of Congress should know: If any bill raises taxes reaches my desk, I will veto it.

By which I mean make the tax relief that benefits the top one percent of incomes in the U.S. permanent. And by "veto" I mean, "probably will not veto."

Just as we trust Americans with their own money, we need to earn their trust by spending their tax dollars wisely. Next week, I'll send you a budget that terminates or substantially reduces 151 wasteful or bloated programs, totaling more than $18 billion.

These programs include funding for public schools, funding for disease research, funding for veterans, and funding for Christmas.

The people's trust in their government is undermined by congressional earmarks -- special interest projects that are often snuck in at the last minute, without discussion or debate. Last year, I asked you to voluntarily cut the number and cost of earmarks in half. I also asked you to stop slipping earmarks into committee reports that never even come to a vote. Unfortunately, neither goal was met. So this time, if you send me an appropriations bill that does not cut the number and cost of earmarks in half, I'll send it back to you with my veto.

You sorry sons of bitches. Damn you, Congress! I know I made this same threat last year and didn't follow up on it, but it sounds good when I berate you from up here. But I also know that this is an election year, and no appropriations bills will actually reach my desk until after the election. So to clarify, I may leave a big fat mess for President McCain, or I may choose to veto everything just to piss off President Obama. Either way, good times.

We share a common goal: making health care more affordable and accessible for all Americans. The best way to achieve that goal is by expanding consumer choice, not government control.

The insurance companies, who send me buckets full of money - literally, large buckets decorated with ribbons and everything - would like to continue being the ones providing your healthcare. They seem to be doing pretty well with that. In point of fact, I'm not doing crap with healthcare this year. It's an election year. You're on your own.

On education, we must trust students to learn if given the chance, and empower parents to demand results from our schools. In neighborhoods across our country, there are boys and girls with dreams -- and a decent education is their only hope of achieving them.

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot it's not 1955 anymore. I forgot that the bulk of students don't give a crap and their parents are working two jobs and don't have time to help with homework.

Six years ago, we came together to pass the No Child Left Behind Act, and today no one can deny its results.

By which I mean they've been disastrous.

Last year, fourth and eighth graders achieved the highest math scores on record. Reading scores are on the rise. African American and Hispanic students posted all-time highs.

By which I mean they were stoned ALL the damn time. And let's be honest, math scores are up because the teachers are teaching to the test. They're eliminating arts and physical education classes because you can't really test those things. So your kid can't form a single abstract thought or toss a baseball, but he can add four and four. Maybe he'll yearn to be a certified public accountant. You're welcome.

Today, our economic growth increasingly depends on our ability to sell American goods and crops and services all over the world.

Amazingly, they don't seem to want our crap.

I thank the Congress for approving a good agreement with Peru. And now I ask you to approve agreements with Colombia and Panama and South Korea. Many products from these nations now enter America duty-free, yet many of our products face steep tariffs in their markets.

Right about here is where I will lose the bulk of my viewers, so after this I can say pretty much whatever the hell I want. We'll see if Russert is paying attention, but beyond him, I don't give a crap what any of you think.

Trade brings better jobs and better choices and better prices. Yet for some Americans, trade can mean losing a job, and the federal government has a responsibility to help. I ask Congress to reauthorize and reform trade adjustment assistance, so we can help these displaced workers learn new skills and find new jobs.

I know damn right well that all the good jobs are being shipped overseas. But I am going to do my best to ensure that you can find work at the drive-through or at Starbucks. Being a barrister is not easy, but I vow that your government will provide the best training we can.

Our security, our prosperity, and our environment all require reducing our dependence on oil.

Quite frankly, my security and prosperity rests on your dependence on oil as well.

Let us fund new technologies that can generate coal power while capturing carbon emissions. Let us increase the use of renewable power and emissions-free nuclear power. Let us continue investing in advanced battery technology and renewable fuels to power the cars and trucks of the future. Let us create a new international clean technology fund, which will help developing nations like India and China make greater use of clean energy sources.

Let us make bold promises that we can not back up. Let us pretend that I care about any of this stuff. Let us fool the American people into thinking that there's even the slightest possibility that this can get done. Lettuce, bacon, and tomato is a good sandwich.

On matters of life and science, we must trust in the innovative spirit of medical researchers and empower them to discover new treatments while respecting moral boundaries.

By which I mean Republican moral boundaries.

In November, we witnessed a landmark achievement when scientists discovered a way to reprogram adult skin cells to act like embryonic stem cells. This breakthrough has the potential to move us beyond the divisive debates of the past by extending the frontiers of medicine without the destruction of human life.

Should it be proven to actually work. Which it hasn't. But again, you've all tuned out at this point anyway.

Tonight the armies of compassion continue the march to a new day in the Gulf Coast.

These are quite different from the armies of the United States, who may be able to actually help.

America honors the strength and resilience of the people of this region. We reaffirm our pledge to help them build stronger and better than before. And tonight I'm pleased to announce that in April we will host this year's North American Summit of Canada, Mexico, and the United States in the great city of New Orleans.

We'll be in the French Quarter, about as far from the actual destruction as we can get. And if it seems like I make this pledge at every State of the Union, it's because I do. If I meant it, it would have gotten done by now. Remember I said I wanted to go to war with Iraq, then I just went ahead and did it? That should tell you something. If I wanted to clean up that cesspool on the Mississippi, I'd do it. Sorry folks, Kanye was right.

America needs to secure our borders -- and with your help, my administration is taking steps to do so. We're increasing worksite enforcement, deploying fences and advanced technologies to stop illegal crossings. We've effectively ended the policy of "catch and release" at the border, and by the end of this year, we will have doubled the number of border patrol agents.

I don't want illegals here.

Yet we also need to acknowledge that we will never fully secure our border until we create a lawful way for foreign workers to come here and support our economy.

I want illegals here.

This will take pressure off the border and allow law enforcement to concentrate on those who mean us harm. We must also find a sensible and humane way to deal with people here illegally.

Euthanize them.

Our foreign policy is based on a clear premise.

Don't fuck with us.

In the past seven years, we've also seen images that have sobered us. We've watched throngs of mourners in Lebanon and Pakistan carrying the caskets of beloved leaders taken by the assassin's hand. We've seen wedding guests in blood-soaked finery staggering from a hotel in Jordan, Afghans and Iraqis blown up in mosques and markets, and trains in London and Madrid ripped apart by bombs. On a clear September day, we saw thousands of our fellow citizens taken from us in an instant.

I think I deserve props for not bringing up 9/11 until a half-hour into this speech. And I didn't even mention it by name. Didya notice? Didya?

We are engaged in the defining ideological struggle of the 21st century. The terrorists oppose every principle of humanity and decency that we hold dear.

But even they are rooting for the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

Yet in this war on terror, there is one thing we and our enemies agree on: In the long run, men and women who are free to determine their own destinies will reject terror and refuse to live in tyranny.

Which is why the Democrats will win in November.

In Afghanistan, America, our 25 NATO allies, and 15 partner nations are helping the Afghan people defend their freedom and rebuild their country. Thanks to the courage of these military and civilian personnel, a nation that was once a safe haven for al Qaeda is now a young democracy where boys and girls are going to school, new roads and hospitals are being built, and people are looking to the future with new hope.

In other words, things are better there than they are here.

These successes must continue, so we're adding 3,200 Marines to our forces in Afghanistan, where they will fight the terrorists and train the Afghan Army and police. Defeating the Taliban and al Qaeda is critical to our security, and I thank the Congress for supporting America's vital mission in Afghanistan.

I'm just not sure where we're going to find 3,200 Marines. There are only 27 left without an assignment, and most of them are like Private Santiago in A Few Good Men. Little on the slow side.

The Iraqis launched a surge of their own. In the fall of 2006, Sunni tribal leaders grew tired of al Qaeda's brutality and started a popular uprising called "The Anbar Awakening." Over the past year, similar movements have spread across the country. And today, the grassroots surge includes more than 80,000 Iraqi citizens who are fighting the terrorists. The government in Baghdad has stepped forward, as well -- adding more than 100,000 new Iraqi soldiers and police during the past year.

In other words, the war is turning pretty much independently from anything our country is doing. Finally the Iraqis said, fuck it, if you want something done right, you do it yourself. And while we're on this subject, how come the news is pretty much ignoring the fact that the war is going well? You couldn't get enough of this crap when there was constant death and explosions, but now it's all about what Obama said about Hillary. Thanks, liberal media.

Today, it is al Qaeda that is searching for safe passage. They have been driven from many of the strongholds they once held, and over the past year, we've captured or killed thousands of extremists in Iraq, including hundreds of key al Qaeda leaders and operatives.

Mostly killed 'em. Got tired of sending 'em to Gitmo, where they don't talk anyway.

Ladies and gentlemen, some may deny the surge is working, but among the terrorists there is no doubt. Al Qaeda is on the run in Iraq, and this enemy will be defeated.

And I pledge they will defeated sometime within the next forty years.

Soldiers and sailors, airmen, Marines, and Coast Guardsmen: In the past year, you have done everything we've asked of you, and more. Our nation is grateful for your courage. We are proud of your accomplishments. And tonight in this hallowed chamber, with the American people as our witness, we make you a solemn pledge: In the fight ahead, you will have all you need to protect our nation.

Unfortunately when you get back you're kind of screwed. Medical and psychological help will be fairly difficult to come by. But that's in the future - for now, just watch for roadside explosives and shoot to kill.

Any further drawdown of U.S. troops will be based on conditions in Iraq and the recommendations of our commanders. General Petraeus has warned that too fast a drawdown could result in the "disintegration of the Iraqi security forces, al Qaeda-Iraq regaining lost ground, [and] a marked increase in violence." Members of Congress: Having come so far and achieved so much, we must not allow this to happen.

Military wives, better plan on another awkward Christmas with the in-laws.

The mission in Iraq has been difficult and trying for our nation. But it is in the vital interest of the United States that we succeed. A free Iraq will deny al Qaeda a safe haven.

Which means the only places those bastards can go are Iran, Pakistan, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, England, and Southern Florida. But we'll bomb their asses too if we have to, mark my words.

A free Iraq will show millions across the Middle East that a future of liberty is possible. A free Iraq will be a friend of America, a partner in fighting terror, and a source of stability in a dangerous part of the world.

Raw meat in a pack of wolves.

This month in Ramallah and Jerusalem, I assured leaders from both sides that America will do, and I will do, everything we can to help them achieve a peace agreement that defines a Palestinian state by the end of this year. The time has come for a Holy Land where a democratic Israel and a democratic Palestine live side-by-side in peace.

I'm kind of hoping this will come together by November so I can have some sort of legacy. There's a possibility I might luck into this one and I didn't want to miss the chance to get over there for a photo op.

Iran is funding and training militia groups in Iraq, supporting Hezbollah terrorists in Lebanon, and backing Hamas' efforts to undermine peace in the Holy Land. Tehran is also developing ballistic missiles of increasing range, and continues to develop its capability to enrich uranium, which could be used to create a nuclear weapon.

You may remember I said very similar things about another country. Some of those things turned out not to be not entirely accurate, by which I mean complete bullshit. But don't worry - we'll be invading long before we can prove any of this stuff.

On the home front, we will continue to take every lawful and effective measure to protect our country. This is our most solemn duty. We are grateful that there has not been another attack on our soil since 9/11. This is not for the lack of desire or effort on the part of the enemy. In the past six years, we've stopped numerous attacks, including a plot to fly a plane into the tallest building in Los Angeles and another to blow up passenger jets bound for America over the Atlantic.

And you thought the threat level was at orange for shits and giggles. No sir, we've got trouble, terrible trouble, with a capital T that rhymes with P that stands for protect the homeland.

America opposes genocide in Sudan.

And that's all I'm going to say about that. I know it's a massive, disgusting, human rights debacle, but it's more important that I talk about wiretapping and tariffs and such.

We support freedom in countries from Cuba and Zimbabwe to Belarus and Burma.

If it works out there, we may even try it here.

By trusting the people, our Founders wagered that a great and noble nation could be built on the liberty that resides in the hearts of all men and women.

They were fucking idiots. Just look at the hats.

By trusting the people, succeeding generations transformed our fragile young democracy into the most powerful nation on Earth and a beacon of hope for millions.

And it took me a mere seven years to completely ruin that. Thanks folks, tip your waitress and try the veal.